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My Friends Begged Me Not To Take My Boyfriend Back. Here's How He Became An Incredible Husband.
My husband, Joe, is objectively wonderful. He's kind, generous, supportive, makes our grocery list, cleans our toilets, and was our daughter's primary caregiver for the majority of the first year of her life. We're coming up on 10 years since we first met, and our first 2-plus years of "dating" were, also objectively, dog shit.
The details matter, but they also don't ― the gist is he broke my heart repeatedly and I was in such a bad state that no one in my life could even pretend to support me when I said I was giving him another chance one week before my 30th birthday. But then something happened that seems controversial to say and even harder for people to believe: he changed.
We both changed. The toxic behavior disappeared and our communication drastically improved. Slowly but surely, we became good together. Great, even. In the years since, our relationship has given friends of mine (mostly false) hope when they're with less-than-amazing dudes. Beneath wanting to know my "tricks" to get a man to change, what they really want to know is how did I know he would change?
In the eyes of my friends and family, Joe was one giant red flag. I get why they weren't in favor of me signing up for more potential pain and humiliation. In the age of endless options with a swipe, our predominant dating advice when someone shows even "pink flags" is to cut and run. Know your worth, don't settle for less, and move on.
This encouragement is intended to protect us from wasting our time, but I think now we have a new problem: folding too fast. If there's no room for mistakes, forgiveness and growth, how will you ever know what could have been?
"Joe and I were attending a friend's wedding in between one of our breakups," the author writes.Michelle Obama thinks we've glamorized what a good relationship looks like so much now that younger couples quit before testing the strength of a potentially lifelong partnership. At the risk of sounding in favor of women wasting their lives fighting for bad relationships, I think she's right.
Sometimes ― and only sometimes ― maybe we end up throwing the best husband out with the bad boyfriend.
My husband and I met when we were both firmly on the rebound. Joe was six months out of a co-dependent relationship that he'd been in for the past 10(!) years. I was freshly out of a verbally abusive nightmare of a relationship that I'd been holding on to for four years. That relationship is an example of when I should have taken the advice to walk away. I'm certainly not advocating for women to ignore abusive or dangerous red flags or behaviors of any kind in the hopes that things will change. In my previous relationship, folding was the only decision ― I just needed to find the courage to make it. And a few days after I finally did, I met Joe.
We both needed something light, fun, noncommittal ― a Coke Classic rebound. But we fell too hard. Our drunken hookups quickly bled into entire weekends together. He was a beacon of light ― this bouncy blond man pulling up to my heartbreak apartment in his Mini Cooper blasting Robyn and singing through the open sunroof like an absolute tool. I'm a sarcastic Aquarius who was born swearing. Joe is joy. I'm ... Often perceived as mean.
All of this added to my embarrassment when he abruptly broke up with me not once, not twice, but three times during our first year of dating. Then he strung me along with endless phone calls and hangouts for months, as I cried and shamelessly begged for him to give us a real shot. He said he needed more time. He needed to be single. I didn't care what he needed ― I needed him. We both played our part in the unhealthy dysfunction.
The crown poster that Joe plastered all over the author's neighborhood. "Potential evidence for Joe's arrest," she writes.Once I found out he was actually dating someone else and had been baldfaced lying to me, I finally cut off all contact. He lost me, for real. I was walking away. When I called and confronted him, I thought that would be the last time we ever spoke. In hindsight, this phone call was the first step toward our future together. I wanted to say my piece and never see him again. My being absolutely at the limit of tolerance was the catalyst for Joe to change. But by that point, I didn't care about his revelations. I felt like a fool and was 1000% done.
Joe started making changes in his life. He immediately broke up with the much younger girl he'd been seeing. And he cracked open. Since I wouldn't talk to him, he wrote me long letters about his thoughts and feelings that he had been scared to share and left them in my mailbox. Desperate to get my attention and plead for another chance, he postered downtown Toronto with hundreds of copies of a painting of a crown I had bought him for Christmas.
Still, I wanted none of it. I thought about calling the police if he wouldn't leave me alone. I took pictures of the posters for evidence. This might have had something to do with the fact that I was a writer on a network cop show at the time. Positive this was the end of our story, I re-downloaded Tinder and swiped ad nauseam until I got to a screen that said, "There is no one new around you." A bit on the nose, frankly.
But Joe didn't give up. After a few weeks, I agreed to a conversation. He wanted another chance. He owned all of his mistakes, vowed to change, and made the case for us moving forward. I was tempted ― this was everything I had wanted to hear. But I didn't know if I could trust him. I didn't want to look like an idiot again, and I knew no one would be rooting for us this time around. More than anything, I didn't want to be hurt again. But I couldn't help wondering if maybe, just maybe, things could be different this time. If that phone call was our wobbly first step toward our future, my decision to take the jump and forgive him was our critical and decisive step two.
The author and Joe leaving their city hall wedding. "This was three months before our daughter was born," she writes.Courtesy of Kristina Ruddick
It took a long time for us to learn to walk and then run together. We had to do a lot of work and commit to being honest about what we needed. We didn't move in together for four years. Now, a decade later, we have matching tattoos of those crowns and I took his last name. Sometimes I stare at him with our baby girl and think just how easily none of this could have existed.
I feel uncomfortable when friends ask, "How did you know he would change?" because it implies I knew anything at all. I was just trying to follow my gut. I always feel a little embarrassed when I tell our love story, like there's an element of, "I let this guy treat me like shit, but now look at my ring!" I didn't know he wouldn't humiliate me again. Or that he would be worth it. I think knowing when to walk or when to fight for a relationship is much harder than we let on. But I also think second chances can change everything ― if we decide to grant them.
When asked for my relationship advice, I offer these three principles:
My relationship with my husband used to be terrible, and now it's great. It's something that seems quite hard for others to believe. I see their skepticism. But why are we so skeptical that things can get better, and how is that skepticism actually serving us? When I look around at my friends' relationships and marriages, I'm starting to see couples overcome things I never would have thought they could. I think Joe and I just did it a little earlier, in our 20s and early 30s, when people tend to cut and run when things get hard, without a second thought. What I'm seeing around me now is heartening, not because friends are settling for less than, but because they're believing in the resilience of their relationships and that, overall, the good outweighs the bad.
After Joe broke up with me the third time, I wallowed at the mall and bought myself a white tank top from Aritzia that in big, black letters said, "THE HEART WANTS WHAT THE HEART WANTS." It was ― we can say it ― very cool pathetic. My friend Katrina made me promise never to wear it in front of Joe. But of course I did. When we got back together, I wore it to bed with him every night until it completely disintegrated. That cheap, dumb, worn-out tank top is, I think, a pretty wonderful symbol of our love. Embarrassing, imperfect and kinda stupid. There are currently a whole bunch of these exact old tank tops for sale online. Maybe for our 10th anniversary of meeting, I'll buy myself one. You know, give it a second chance.
Karen Kicak is a television writer and filmmaker. She is the co-showrunner, executive producer, and writer on the International Emmy-nominated comedy series "Workin' Moms" on Netflix. Her directorial debut short film, "Volcano," had its world premiere at the 2019 Toronto International Film Festival. She's been published as a contributing writer in Glamour, The Kit and The Toronto Star, and has a Tiny Love Story in The New York Times. All things considered, she's pretty good for being a Karen.
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Woman Wants To Give Her Future Children Her Maiden Last Name Since Husband's Last Name Is 'Less Than Ideal'
A woman is seeking advice after she married a man with a rather unusual last name that she fears will result in their future children being teased.
While she understands that her husband wants to "carry on" the name and continue his legacy by giving it to their children, the woman argues that his last name is "less than ideal."
The woman's husband's last name is 'Butt' and she is worried about their future children.Sharing her dilemma to the subreddit, "r/namenerds," the concerned woman sought the advice of other users regarding the situation. She and her husband are in disagreement over whether or not they should give their future children his last name or her maiden name, since she worries that her husband's last name will cause them to be teased relentlessly.
"My husband's last name is Butt," the woman explains. "Can someone please help me illuminate to him why this last name is less than ideal?"
While she claims that she "totally gets" that parents cannot shield their children from everything and she understands the importance of "family ties" of their children having their father's last name, she is still questioning if it is really fair to them. "Am I being unreasonable by suggesting our future kid either take my name, a hybrid, or a new one altogether?" the woman asked.
Most Redditors agreed with the woman that she and her husband should allow their future children to have a different last name."You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Your husband's last name is objectively pretty awful, and of course, you don't want your child to have it," one user commented.
"A hybrid is a good idea. I've seen some pretty surnames that came from husband and wife combining their surnames in some way," another user shared.
Other users shared their own stories about encountering others with the last name "Butt" which resulted in them being teased."I knew a kid named Zack Butt. Teased relentlessly. At every age," one user revealed. "I had a teacher with that name and we were the worst about it. Ask him to take your name or make a new one," another user wrote.
Besides the fact that the last name "Butt" is not entirely ideal, other users pointed out that even if the woman did not have an issue with her husband's last name, their future children were not required to carry on their father's name.
"You would be still entitled to at least suggest that your child takes your last name since you are also going to be their parent. Your last name has the same family ties and goes back as far as his," one user noted.
"Regardless of what his last name is, he's not entitled to giving your kids his name just because it's 'tradition.' Obviously, I think partners need to agree on the kids' names, but your desire isn't less valid than his," another user commented.
The tradition of giving children their father's surname has been challenged over time.Many people believe that the tradition of children taking their father's last name is outdated. The belief is rooted in the patriarchal assumption that a father's surname will ensure his legacy and deepen the family institution.
"There's this implicit understanding that having the father's last name is inherently in the child's best interest," Deborah Anthony, a professor of legal studies at the University of Illinois at Springfield, told the Atlantic.
Still, the tradition is followed in most heterosexual marriages, with research conducted in 2017 discovering that 96% of the time, the couple's children are given their father's surname.
Related Stories From YourTango:In most Spanish-speaking countries, including Mexico, Spain, and Puerto Rico, children are often given both of their parents' last names per the tradition that honors both the mother and father's family. Traditionally, the first surname is paternal and while the second surname is maternal.
Although, there are those who opt to give their children their mother's maiden name or a hybrid of both of their last names. After all, a mother is just as much of a parent as a father is.
Megan Quinn is a writer at YourTango who covers entertainment and news, self, love, and relationships.
Find Out Lindsay Lohan's Husband Bader Shammas' Net Worth, How He Makes Money And More
Bader Shammas is more than just Lindsay Lohan's husband. In addition to being an expectant father, he is an established financier. Keep scrolling to find out his net worth, how he makes money and more.
What Is Bader Shammas' Net Worth?While Bader's exact net worth has not been revealed, several outlets have estimated he's worth approximately $100 million.
How Does Bader Shammas Make Money?The Kuwait native studied at the University of South Florida from 2007 to 2010 and earned a degree in mechanical engineering. He continued his education at the University of Tampa and graduated with his Bachelor of Science in finance in 2012.
Bader previously worked at BNP Paribas Wealth Management before he was hired as the vice president at the investment banking firm Credit Suisse in 2018, according to Page Six.
He is not active on LinkedIn, so it's not clear if he still works for Credit Suisse.
How Long Have Lindsay Lohan and Bader Shammas Been Together?Not much is known about the Parent Trap star's romance with Bader, which they both prefer to keep out of the spotlight.
After they began dating in 2019, Lindsay announced their engagement in November 2021. She shared the news by posting several sweet photos of the couple via Instagram as she showed off her diamond ring.
"My love. My life. My family. My future. @bader.Shammas #love 11.11.21," she wrote at the time.
Lindsay and Bader later tied the knot during a secret ceremony, confirming their nuptials in an Instagram post shared in July 2022.
"I am the luckiest woman in the world. You found me and knew that I wanted to find happiness and grace, all at the same time. I am stunned that you are my husband," she wrote alongside a selfie with Bader. "My life and my everything. Every woman should feel like this everyday."
Courtesy of Lindsay Lohan/Instagram Does Lindsay Lohan Share Kids With Bader Shammas?On March 14, 2023, Lindsay revealed that she and Bader were expecting their first child together.
"We are very excited for our new family member to arrive and we are looking forward to this next chapter of our lives!" the Mean Girls actress told Life & Style.
She announced the exciting news via Instagram the same day. "We are blessed and excited," Lindsay captioned a photo of a baby onesie with the text "coming soon."
On July 17, 2023, a rep for Lindsay confirmed that she had given birth to her son in a statement to Life & Style.
"Lindsay Lohan and her financier husband, Bader Shammas, welcomed a beautiful, healthy son named Luai," the rep said. "The family is over the moon in love."
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